You Just Don’t Understand

Our journey to becoming parents has been much different for Colby than it has for me. Just like no one who has walked through infertility will understand the journey, I don’t feel like he does either.

Most of my mom friends will agree that not much changed for their husband during their pregnancy. If you have children of your own, you would probably agree that the wife is the one who had to carry the baby, go to all the appointments, handle all the symptoms, change the wardrobe, take care of her body, etc etc. The journey to becoming parents (for me) has been very similar. I don’t expect this to be the case for everyone, but this is how I feel. In no way is this a bash to Colby, but these are the feelings that I have had over the past 3.5 years:

You just don’t get it. You don’t know what is like to have a dream since you were little be put on hold. You don’t have to deal with a period every month. On top of that you don’t have the cramps and pain that comes with it. You don’t have to pee on a stick and receive another not yet. You don’t have to be the recipient of the pregnancy announcements. You don’t have to receive another phone call and hear, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but we are pregnant… again.” You don’t have to feel like the elephant in the room when you are the only one who isn’t a parent. You don’t have to feel like you are given special treatment because others who are pregnant don’t know how to handle your situation. You don’t have to feel like you are a burden to your friends. You don’t have to lose friends. You don’t have to buy baby presents. You don’t make baby gifts. You don’t have to host or attend baby showers. You don’t have to take meals to families when babies are born. You don’t have to deal with the same up and down emotions and hormones that I do. You just don’t get it. You don’t understand. I don’t expect you to either.

Again, hear me out – this doesn’t mean Colby is a bad husband. He is anything BUT that. It also doesn’t mean he doesn’t desire babies, because he wants them just as much as I do. But, I feel like I carry the weight of infertility. It’s not a game or about whose heart hurts more. We are on the same team, with the same desire in mind.

I wish I could express how hard it is when your very best friend, the one person you want to understand, doesn’t. He doesn’t get it. He isn’t supposed to. In some ways I wish he did, but in some ways I am so thankful he doesn’t have to endure the same pain. Even though he will never fully understand what it is like to be in my shoes, I am so thankful that he has stuck by my side. I am so thankful that he has dealt with all my ups and downs. I am so thankful that he continues to encourage me and love me and I am so thankful that he makes our marriage a priority even though it’s not where we thought we would be 4.5 years in. I am thankful for my amazing husband even though he just doesn’t understand.

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