Now What?

I was overwhelmed with all of the comments on my last post. I always reply by email, but haven’t had the energy to, so please know how much all the prayers and sweet words meant. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

It’s hard to know what to do with this blog now. Honestly, it seems so fickle and insensitive to write about faith and fertility. It’s amazing that when you find out that your nephew has cancer, NOTHING that used to be important is anymore. The things I used to spend my time and energy on immediately become irrelevant. My prayers changed from Lord, please give us a miracle baby to Lord, please, please, please never give us a baby, just heal Kai. For the record, I know that is not how God works, but I wanted him to know that I would be ok with never ever having kids if he just healed Kai. I have never, ever prayed so fervently for something.

Our prayers for healing Kai were answered much differently than we had expected. He wasn’t just healed from cancer, but he received the ultimate healing from all physical, emotional, and spiritual pain and is now in heaven with Jesus. I’m trusting that the miracle we prayed for would have been so small compared to the miracle God is doing right now, the redemption we will witness, and the glory He is going to receive over the next days, weeks, months, and years because of Kai’s passing.

Back to my original comment about this blog and now what? I’m not sure. Maybe it turns into a blog about going through loss and grief. The Lord is the one who told me to write this blog and it isn’t just for the heck of it. Along with Moms in the Making, it has become my passion and my ministry. I have a heart for women going through trials, especially infertility. Days when it was hard to find time or I wasn’t really motivated, the Lord continued to prompt me to write.

I know just because Kai passed away doesn’t mean that God takes away that calling for my life, but in all honesty it seems so irrelevant to write about something I don’t have when I should be so grateful for everything I do have. I’m not sure what is next……. I guess instead of writing a post about it, I should be getting on my knees and asking the Lord. I’m not quite sure I have the energy or motivation to do that either.

The only thing I know is that just as I have said on the journey of infertility we have two options: to run from the Lord or run to Him. I’m choosing to run to Him. He is the only one who can give us the strength and energy to fight the battles and get out of bed in the morning.

I saved this in my draft folder and apparently the Lord didn’t care if I got on my knees or not, because he spoke to me and reminded me that if I gave up on the MITM ministry and the desire He has given me to be a mom and promised He will fulfill, then I’m letting the enemy win, which is the last thing I want. The enemy comes ready to steal, kill, and destroy and he has already done that with my nephew and is going to continue his roaring schemes to do that in our family, marriage, health, jobs, and finances. There is nothing that sickens me more than thinking about the enemy winning this battle. So, today I choose to believe that God is victorious. He will get the glory. We might not understand how or when, but I know that God will prevail!

I keep thinking of my sister-in-laws amazing post about choosing love. So I guess the Lord answered my own question about ‘what is next?’ I must continue to remain steadfast in the ministry He has called me to be a part of. I must continue to write down the words that He speaks to me. It might not look like what it used to, but I choose to follow Him and trust that He works out all things for our good.

I will continue to choose life, hope, peace, joy, and love. I will continue to choose to share the good news of the gospel and to be aware that even though the enemy has come to steal, kill, and destroy the Lord has come to give us an abundant life. I choose life! I choose love! Love wins.

PS. I realize this post is very scatter-brained. I decided to publish it anyway. Please continue to pray for peace, hope, and strength from the Lord during this hard time!