My Uncompassionate Heart

Confession time!!! I hate that this post will be negative. Usually when I write a post like this it stays in my draft folder forever. I try to keep this space as positive, uplifting, and hopeful as possible. At the same time, I try to be transparent with my feelings and I feel like I have done that with Growing Weary, On Being Vulnerable, Left Behind, and I Don’t Belong just to name a few.

Recently I have realized how uncompassionate I am. Really though, my heart is so hard sometimes. I guess I am writing this post to do a public request for forgiveness, because whew, it’s ugly.

In some ways I have become numb to the conversations I have with other people, especially when it comes to receiving advice on “how to” get pregnant. The Lord has give me an abundance of grace to offer people because I know they mean well. But in other ways the grace gets really hard to extend. I can’t tell you how many times lately I have read or have personally been told that “someone is having a really hard time because they haven’t gotten pregnant after 3 months.” It could be 3, it could be 5. The point is, it’s really been hard for me to hear. I have found some people choose the wrong audience to share their heartaches with (like maybe don’t complain to me?).

I get it. Some are struggling more at 3 months than I have in coming up on 4 years. I think a lot of that has to do with their attitude, but that’s a topic that I have frequented often (choose joy, thankfulness, hopefulness, faith, etc) so don’t need to talk about now. But, for some reason, my heart has not been very loving or sympathetic in those situations.

Aren’t I supposed to show compassion just as Jesus does? Doesn’t He command me to bear others’ burdens?

“Be kind and compassionate to one another” Ephesians 4:32

No person should have to justify their pain and hurt to me. Shouldn’t I show compassion whether they have waited one month or 10 years?? Yes, but I tend to get way too caught up in the fact that the diagnosis of infertility usually isn’t given to couples until they have been attempting to conceive for 12 months. But, just because that is what the medical world says, doesn’t mean people aren’t hurting after one month or three months. It most definitely shouldn’t be a competition of how long the wait is. I know this to be true, yet I have still struggled with showing sympathy to these ladies.

The reality is every person is going to face trials and every person is going to deal with them differently and no matter what the situation is, I want to extend more love, grace, compassion, and encouragement to every person who is hurting. Even if I don’t understand their struggle, I want to put aside my worldly, negative thoughts, and love just as Jesus would. It’s not always easy, but I am thankful for forgiveness from my heavenly Father along the way. He sees my messy heart and yet loves me just the same.

Lord, forgive my ugly, hard, uncompassionate heart. Remove my “whoa is me, do you know how long I have been waiting?” attitude. Fill me with more of your love so I can better love others as you have called me to. Give me an extra measure of sympathy and compassion for those who are walking a similar trial as me as well as those whose hardship is different. Give me words to encourage and love those around me. Thank you for forgiving me, Lord. 

If you are struggling with an ugly heart, much like I have, how are you trying to change your heart, so it’s not a struggle anymore? I would love to hear some positive feedback.

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