On Being Vulnerable
I have always been a very open person. I’ve never had a problem sharing my heart with others. But after entering the blog and social media world and putting my life out there for others to read and see, it has definitely made me feel vulnerable. Many times, I want to crawl in a hole after hitting ‘publish’ on a blog post. In fact, that is how I feel about this post. There is something about feeling extremely vulnerable that makes me uncomfortable. Whether I am sharing about our infertility journey or something not so important like a recent vacation, it often feels like a one-way relationship and I have found over the years I don’t do well with those. I feel like I’m putting my heart on the line, but what am I getting in return from others?
What are people thinking? How were the posts conveyed? Do people even care? And, if they don’t care, does that matter? Was the post regarding the scripture even accurate to God’s word? Was the latest fertility update scrutinized and frowned down upon since we aren’t doing what the ‘world’ tells us we should? What about the fact that we enjoy eating healthy and avoiding yucky chemicals – do people think we are crazy ‘crunchy’ people?
Unless a comment is left, than I have no idea what others are thinking. I don’t know who my audience is or who has read the posts. When meeting up with a group of friends, walking into church, or seeing family members I can’t help but feeling exposed. The feeling is mutual whether it’s in person or behind a computer. I have now shared 443 posts. Some are way more revealing than others, but either way, I feel like I have shared intimate details about our lives. I’ve shared about the good and the bad. I’ve shared with strangers all over the world and I’ve shared with some of my very best friends.
I have put a lot out there that most people wouldn’t. In fact, many don’t even tell their closest friend or family members. Everyone knows my desire to be a mom. Everyone knows we have been waiting 3+ years for babies. Everyone knows what many don’t or won’t share – the real life struggle of infertility. This isn’t fun for me. This isn’t the path I would have chosen. I don’t enjoy being ‘that’ girl who is still waiting to become a mother. I hate being looked at differently by others. I hate that some friends won’t even talk about it with me. I hate that some people know my struggle, but I don’t know theirs. I don’t like being vulnerable.
But, then I realize it’s not about me. It’s not about me being ’embarrassed’ about my lack of writing skills. It’s not about me and what I said or didn’t say. It’s not about how people view me since we haven’t conceived yet. It’s not about the trial we are going through. It’s not about me sharing my struggles while others keep quiet with theirs. It doesn’t matter how vulnerable and exposed I feel. What matters is the Lord put this blog on my heart for a reason and that I continue to share His word. What matters is that people feel encouraged. What matters is that the gospel gets shared. What matters is that hope is renewed and faith is increased.
It’s not about me. It’s about Him. If sharing my struggles and heart encourages one person to know they are not alone on their journey, then it’s worth it. If you are reading this, then thanks for following along. Thanks for commenting, supporting, believing and praying. Thanks for allowing me to share my heart, my struggle, my pain and allowing me to be vulnerable. The prayers, comments, and encouragement mean more than I can ever convey and for those who have continued to stand by our side, we are forever grateful. In addition to Jesus and scripture, you are what gets us through on the hard days. At the end of the day, I hope through at least one of my posts I have been able to convey what really matters – which is HIM!