Mini-Meltdown Saturday

I had a mini meltdown yesterday. I won’t go into details as to what spurred it on, but it was the second time I’ve been mad at God since we initially received all the bad news, almost a year ago. The first time I had anger was when our doctor called me at work and told us the bad results of both mine and C.J’s test. C.J came to pick me up at work and I cried the whole way home and said a lot of irrational things.

Thankfully that night we were able to pray and get into the word together and ever since then God has enabled me to have a positive attitude

Until last night. Within minutes of me being upset C.J. knows that I am not myself. He is so patient, always quick to listen, slow to speak and won’t leave my side until we have resolved any problems. After sharing my concerns about this road of infertility we are on and having a pity party, he reminded me that I had lost hold of the truth and was being attacked by Satan.

After snapping out of it and deciding to be more rational, I remembered that life is not fair. And, you know, I’m glad it’s not! If life were fair, we would receive death on the cross. If life were fair, we wouldn’t have all the blessings we have been given. We wouldn’t both have wonderful jobs, be financial stable, have a wonderful marriage, awesome friends and family, a roof over our heads and an amazing church community.

We deserve none of these things. And in addition to what we already have we certainly don’t deserve to have kids of our own. But, God loves us so much that he died for us and cleansed our sins so we can receive all His marvelous blessings.

I’m thankful that C.J. was able to make me aware of reality and put the situation back into perspective. He reminds me that we are on this journey for a reason. And the best part about being married to Him is I always get glimpses of the unconditional love Christ has for us. The same love that I posted about a few days ago. I believe that is what marriage is all about. Seeing God’s glory reflecting in your relationship.

Update: I had written all that before church, and now that we are back home, I am just in awe of how God works. The sermon today was on God’s grace. How perfect! And, it happen to be the same scriptures that C.J. and I were teaching on tonight at small group (Galations 1), even better!

One of the lines of lyrics in a song we sang were “Grace that is greater than all our sin”. This is the exact grace God gave me last night. When I wanted to get angry and upset and doubt everything He has been teaching me over the past year, he reminds me of his grace. The undeserved favor He has already blessed us immensely with. The same grace that is bigger than all our sin.

Paul spoke in Galations 1 about God’s grace. And, I was reminded last night and again this morning that God is using our story for His specific purposes. He set us apart while we were in our mothers’ wombs and He desires to show Jesus off in us.

Because I’m human, I know I will have more meltdowns in the future. But, I’m thankful to have unconditional love and grace from both my heavenly father and my wonderful husband.

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11 Comments
  • Chrissie
    Posted at 23:02h, 17 February Reply

    we sang a song in church this morning with the line that says, “caught up in grace like an avalanche” I just love that picture, of being totally overwhelmed by it. Infertility is such a raw and painful experience and I believe the anger we can feel brings us tot he place of receiving the grace God is pouring out. I am so glad that you and your hubby are finding one another as well as Christ to be a source of strength and encouragement.
    I don’t know what God has in store for you but i am pretty certain when you look back at this season of waiting and anticipation with the perspective of being parents you will have a much clearer picture of God’s perfect gifts, plans and timing. Praying for you today x

  • Jessah
    Posted at 23:54h, 17 February Reply

    I’m so sorry that you’re struggling. This journey can be so difficult. Great reminders that life isn’t fair and we have to be grateful for all of our blessings even though they may not include children.

  • Perfect Power in Weakness
    Posted at 01:40h, 18 February Reply

    What an amazing blessing your marriage is and both of you to each other. I love that your husband was there to help you re-focus on God and steer you in the direction God would have you go. Left to ourselves, I think we’d extend our pity party and spend more time feeling down, which only makes Satan feel good. The road of IF is so, so hard. Praying for you both as you continue to find your life journey on the IF path for this season.

  • Haley A Hilton
    Posted at 01:47h, 18 February Reply

    Weird, I had a melt down Friday. Our first IUI failed, and we are gearing back up for the next one. And Zach has helped to remind me, that God’s love is the same no matter what the results are. He is in control. I am so blessed by your words and hearing about your journey too. Keep on, girl! God is totally showing Jesus off in you and CJ !!!

  • dspence
    Posted at 19:40h, 18 February Reply

    CJ sounds like such a great guy. How wonderful to have a spouse so thoroughly grounded in faith and God’s truth!

  • Tarrin-Rae
    Posted at 21:03h, 18 February Reply

    This is beautifully written. So honest and sincere, but more importantly, very inspiring. What a faithful God we serve, giving us exactlt WHAT we need, WHEN we need it!

  • Melanie Schultz
    Posted at 16:16h, 18 February Reply

    I love reading your blog posts. Sometimes I wonder if I should comment though, only because Im pregnant. Please know that I understand your struggles first hand. I have mentioned in my blog a few times that I know we were dealt the infertility card for a reason. It has made my husband and I incredibly stronger, both individually and in our marriage. We started back at church during our struggle and that was an amazing support. We know God had a plan for us. I think he needed us to deal with infertility for many reasons. Most importantly, I think God gave ME the card to teach me patience! That I can’t always get what I want and that some of my goals/aspirations aren’t always in my hands. I think many years ago, I let go of God. If I wanted something, I went for it, whether it be academically or financially. I lost touch with God and he used infertility to “reel” me back in…..
    My point being, you are such an inspriation to infertile men and women. I think you are on the right track and I think its completely okay to have a meltdown now and then. Its normal. Its human. God has a plan and I think everything will work out for you 🙂 I am always here if you need to talk. Keep the posts coming. They are an inspiration!

    • Team Harries
      Posted at 02:49h, 20 February Reply

      Melanie, I wish I could contact you, but I don’t know 🙁 When I click your name it doesn’t take me anywhere 🙁 Email me if you can!!

  • Melanie Schultz
    Posted at 14:32h, 21 February Reply

    I can’t find your email to email you like you asked 🙂 My email address is pmschultzfamily@gmail.com. My blog is itsaschultzlife.blogspot.com. I hope all is well!!!!

  • Amber
    Posted at 18:39h, 23 February Reply

    It sounds like you have such a wonderful, supportive husband. I find your relationship with both him and God very admirable. There have been many times that I have found it so ironic that I get just the message I need. Going to church and the message being just the one you need, or reading just the right Bible verse that hits home.

  • Unceasing, Uninterrupted Valkyrie
    Posted at 08:15h, 26 June Reply

    I just love reading your blog and seeing how God uses you, your husband, your marriage and your trials for His glory! Stay strong in Christ!

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