1 Year Heavenversary

It is amazing how fast a year can go by and yet things feel as though they just happened yesterday. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of our sweet little nephew going to be with Jesus. 

It’s so easy to be overshadowed with grief and loss this month. March 6th marked one year since we found out that Kai had brain cancer and it was just two short weeks later on March 21st he passed away. It’s crazy what anniversary or dates can do to you. While most of the time it seems we are celebrating something positive like a wedding anniversary, birthday, etc, the ones dealing with loss are REALLY hard. Nothing is different tomorrow, on the one year anniversary, than it was yesterday besides the memory of our loss last year. It’s awful how much a hard anniversary can effect someone. The tears have been flowing as I remember how it all happened, and especially how fast. I’ve spent hours looking at pictures and videos and am always thinking of our sweet little nephew.

It seems like the only thing to do on a day or month like this is to lay in bed and cry. How can I miss someone so much who wasn’t even my son? I fell in love with Kai immediately and in fact, Colby would often tease me that I loved Kai more than him. Sometimes I wonder if the love I have for Kai (and other nieces and nephews) is so strong because we don’t have kids of our own yet. I don’t know if that is true, but it’s crazy to me that I could love them SO much.

Throughout the past year, we have had two choices. I have talked about these choices several times already, because they stand for any circumstance you face, but it comes down to choosing to make the most of the situation and having a positive attitude or letting the darkness prevail. Tomorrow, we will choose LIFE! We will celebrate the life that Kai had when he was here. And, even though it’s hard to imagine, we will also celebrate the better life he is having now. I mean when it comes down to it, he is in the place where we ultimately all want to be! Heaven. There is no abortion, acne, anger, cancer, car wrecks, divorce, earthquakes, headaches, heartaches, infertility, jealousy, miscarriages, pain, prostitution, rape, seizures, starvation, strokes, stomachaches, tears, tornadoes, war. No more pain. I don’t know about you, but it’s pretty amazing to think about and a little overwhelming too.

We will always, always, always miss and think about Kai. He continues to be brought up in conversation constantly. I love looking at pictures of him. And, while life will never, ever be the same without him I’m thankful for all the good memories we had with him. We miss you and love you so much Kai! Love wins. 

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34 Comments
  • Jen
    Posted at 05:46h, 20 March Reply

    You and your family are such an inspiration. You have chosen to put grief and celebration in God’s perspective, a real lesson for me when I come to the angelversaries of my lost babies. Love and peace for the special but difficult days ahead x

  • amanda
    Posted at 06:54h, 20 March Reply

    Thinking of your family this week! It is awful that things like this happen but it’s so comforting to know that he is in heaven and not in pain. What a cutie.

  • Jessica
    Posted at 07:32h, 20 March Reply

    You guys are in my prayers! What a hard anniversary. Praying for tons of sunshine to honor your little Kai. Love you!

  • Dawn
    Posted at 07:54h, 20 March Reply

    Oh Caroline, I am so sorry that you and your family have to deal with this loss. What amazing memories you have of Kai, though! Your video of him is so touching and shows just how much he was loved by his earthly family. Sending you and your family prayers today as you celebrate Kai’s life. Love you, Friend!!!

  • Elena
    Posted at 08:21h, 20 March Reply

    So many hugs and so much strength to you and your family!

  • Marisa
    Posted at 08:37h, 20 March Reply

    It’s easy to love a precious child, even when they are not your own. Esp if they give you back the affection that you give them, and I know that Kai loved both you and Colby so much, as evidenced in the pictures of your times together. Bless you, Sweet Friend. I’ll be praying for you and Colby, A&S and your extended family as you go through this time. Love in Christ! So glad we have Him! ❤️

  • Marianne
    Posted at 08:56h, 20 March Reply

    Thinking of Kai and your family this month. I’m so glad you’re celebrating his life, it touched so many. Love to you all!

  • Erika B.
    Posted at 09:06h, 20 March Reply

    Ugh, I’m crying. I can’t believe it’s been a year- what a sweet boy and enormous loss for your family. I will be praying for you guys.

  • Jojo
    Posted at 09:10h, 20 March Reply

    Caroline I’m thinking of you and your family during this difficult time. Praying that you are able to find comfort in this tough situation.

  • Kelly @ Southern Komfort Blog
    Posted at 09:26h, 20 March Reply

    Caroline, I am absolutely praying for you and your family during this time of remembering. God, please bring peace and healing to their hearts during this time. God, I pray that you will guide them throughout the day as they remember sweet Kai and God, I just pray that Kai is having the time of his LIFE with you in Heaven. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

  • Amie
    Posted at 09:33h, 20 March Reply

    Praying for you and your family as you celebrate his life. You guys are all an inspriation 🙂

  • Rebecca Jo
    Posted at 09:39h, 20 March Reply

    What a sweet video… that’s why I love pictures. They can bring back wonderful memories.
    Time never really heals the broken heart, does it? So sorry that such a sweet young boy was taken from so many…
    Oh what a day of rejoicing that will be when we all get to Heaven together!

  • Kara
    Posted at 10:01h, 20 March Reply

    I’ve been praying and will continue to pray this weekend for you dear friend! Thankful that you are choosing life and celebrating Kai! I love that you love your nieces and nephews like your own babies. That is so special! xoxo

  • Mia @ MakeMeUpMia
    Posted at 10:18h, 20 March Reply

    Thinking of you sweet friend. I can’t watch that video right now because I’m at work with no sound, but I will be watching it to night for sure.

  • Caroline
    Posted at 11:31h, 20 March Reply

    Thinking about you this week! As I was driving the other and the sun was shining I thought about you and your family and Sweet Kai! Suns Out Kais out!

  • Cheryl Smith
    Posted at 12:33h, 20 March Reply

    Oh, my, I cannot believe how fast this year has passed by! I know it hasn’t been fast for you, dear friend, as you have walked this agonizing path. Each day is so hard to press through, but you and your dear family have courageously pressed on, regardless of the pain. I know this is going to sound strange, but as you walk through tomorrow, you will feel a new sense of closure….even accomplishment, this coming from the fact that you have made it through your first round of “firsts”….every birthday, holiday, and special event…you will know that, at least, you have made it this far, and it will give you fresh courage to press forward into the second year without him. My heart goes out to all of you so much, and I pray often for all of you. Yes, precious Kai is in that place where we are all striving to reach one day. Then you will be with him forever, never to be parted again!! What a day that will be, right? Until then, what a comfort to know that Jesus Himself is holding Kai close to His heart! God be with you tomorrow…and in all of your tomorrows….may you always know that you never take one step alone.

  • Tiffany @ A Touch of Grace
    Posted at 12:47h, 20 March Reply

    Thinking of you and your family today Caroline. Lots of love and prayers. Still can’t believe it’s been a year.
    xoxo

  • Laura @ Making Baby Provence
    Posted at 14:57h, 20 March Reply

    This makes my heart so heavy for you and your family. I think it is wonderful that you’re choosing to celebrate. However, I understand that you will still grieve, too. I have been thinking about all of you and sweet Kai. Your entire family is in my prayers!

  • Sheryl
    Posted at 17:32h, 20 March Reply

    My Dear Caroline, I cried as I watched this beautiful video. You can see the light that he had in him and I can only imagine how life has felt without that in your life. As I’ve often said in my own grief posts, we do did not have a choice that death occurred but we do have a choice in how and what we do with our grief. Your family is and will make meaning out of this loss. You may not know what that meaning is right now, but in time you will. My love to you and your whole family. May you find peace this weekend and realize you are correct that you will still be grieving on day 1 of year 2 without him. If only there was a magical door to walk through. Much Love.

  • Síochána Arandomhan
    Posted at 18:02h, 20 March Reply

    Hugs. It’s hard to accept that sometimes that grief is the price of love.

  • Tanya @ the sky and back
    Posted at 20:12h, 20 March Reply

    What a beautiful boy. You love and miss him so much because you have a huge, wonderful heart! I’m keeping you and my family in my thoughts today. It sounds like your sweet Kai had a wonderful life filled with so many people who adored him. Love to you, my friend.

  • Sarah J
    Posted at 21:20h, 20 March Reply

    Praying for you and your entire family this weekend that you feel comforted and held by the arms of almighty God. Thank you for sharing your journey with uS

  • Beth D
    Posted at 07:16h, 21 March Reply

    So beautiful Caroline. There are no words.

  • jessi
    Posted at 11:25h, 21 March Reply

    Thinking of you! What great memories! He is too precious for words!

  • Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom
    Posted at 13:07h, 21 March Reply

    I’m thinking of you Caroline. May God give your heart, mind, and soul then love and comfort the you need today.

    Sending you much love and lifting you and your family up in prayer.
    xoxo

    • Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom
      Posted at 12:05h, 28 March Reply

      Sending you more love and hugs.

      Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).

      Wishing you a lovely weekend.
      xoxo

  • Lisa
    Posted at 16:39h, 21 March Reply

    I can’t remember what prompted it, but I was thinking about your nephew and his story the other day while driving. I didn’t realize it had been a year. Much love and strength to your family as you celebrate his life this weekend.

  • Finley
    Posted at 06:01h, 22 March Reply

    i know exactly what you by loving your nieces and nephews so much. I feel the same way and just adore them incredibly. Love definitely wins because love never fades! A beautiful cute little boy!!! Thinking of you!

  • Chrissie
    Posted at 18:36h, 22 March Reply

    I can’t believe that a whole year has passed. Thinking of you and your family as you remember and also hoping for peace as your hearts miss him. Hugs x

  • Aimee
    Posted at 09:57h, 23 March Reply

    Oh Caroline. One year already. I remember praying for this sweet boy and the sadness for your family when he was called home. I pray that God is bringing comfort and peace to your family every day. Sending love and hugs to you! <3

  • Beka
    Posted at 10:16h, 24 March Reply

    I’m sorry I haven’t posted a comment on here sooner. I have read this post and thought about it over and over. I have 4 nephews and love each of them dearly so i can’t even imagine your loss. I kept thinking “What do I say to someone?” and the truth is I don’t have to know what to say.

    I do know that Jesus understands. God understands. Jesus had family pass away, dear friends pass away too. God watched Jesus be killed and then He couldn’t watch anymore. So although I don’t understand I know Jesus does and I pray that His presence will be real in your families lives during the hard moments because He will be the one to carry you through.

    Heaven will be a joyous place for you all! For all of us but I know some of us are so looking forward to seeing loved ones again.

  • JustHeather
    Posted at 04:30h, 25 March Reply

    I’m sorry for the loss of your nephew, Kai. It is definitely true that we can choose how to see and remember the loss, although it can be difficult at times to remember the good. May you and your family find love, laughter and peace together.
    Here from ICLW.

  • lifeofaministermom
    Posted at 21:28h, 29 December Reply

    Oh my Caroline. What a precious, precious Angel heaven gained in sweet Kai. I didn’t realize the full story of his passing until now and my heart and prayers certainly go out to your family. ❤️

  • Annette
    Posted at 16:08h, 07 January Reply

    We do love them as though they are our own. We are bonded in that profound way, thanks be to God for such a gift, however temporary. Ugh. Caroline. Prayers and love to your family. Agreed, love always wins.

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